


flowers and a sunshine.

by packetoforeos



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, because i want to :(, delinquent! renjun, hanahaki! jaemin, hanahaki! renmin, na jaemin just wants love ffs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2020-05-29 16:36:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19404226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/packetoforeos/pseuds/packetoforeos
Summary: Huang Renjun is your typical innocent-looking university student. And by "innocent-looking" — yes, he's the well-known school delinquent.On the other note, Na Jaemin is the sweetheart everyone dreams for. The top student in every year and also the most lovable boy ever existed.But, there's one secret: Na Jaemin is coughing out flowers.And Renjun is the reason.





	1. of the student.

**Author's Note:**

> IM BACK WITH A NCT DREAM FIC!!!!!!!!!!  
> actually i made a hiatus for a year oof :c and yes!!!! health problems + hectic schedule = fml but atleast i can finally write smth
> 
> and i was too focused on stanning nct dream sksjsjjsjsjs hi im a new nctzen [puppy eyes emoji.] sobs
> 
> also, there was no hanahaki au!renmin to be founded so i decided to make it myself!!!!! there are no improvements in my writing and it worsened somehow (sobs.) but i hope you'll enjoy!!!!

_The_ Huang Renjun is your typical innocent-looking university student. At first glance, he may look like a nerd; all books and soft stuffs and he _may_ have shown a weak figure to the public.

However, he was more than that. He had exceed everyone's expectations. The last time he had a rumor of himself spreading across university, the first years couldn't believe it.

_Was that really Huang Renjun of Art Department?_

_Maybe it was someone similar?_

_There's no way Renjun-hyung would do that. . ._

The Chinese boy wasn't feeling bothered by it. Disheveled hair, an all-black outfit, an earring dangling onto his right ear. Plus, he is the leader of the infamous gang, NCT — members including Lee Donghyuck, Jung Jaehyun, Nakamoto Yuta, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, Dong Sicheng, Lee Taeyong, Moon Taeil, Wong Yukhei, Mark Lee, Zhong Chenle and Park Jisung.

He was all mighty and stuff; walking through the halls, both hands in his leather jeans' pockets, looking down upon people that feared him due to his status as _****leader_.

Well, the confidence didn't last long, until a certain male with caramel hair bumped onto him and accidentally spilled his cup of americano, making Renjun annoyed.

This guy.

This _low profile_ guy.

He had the audacity to not only bump onto him, the most feared student of SM University, but to even spill his drink and have his shirt tainted?

Renjun cursed in Chinese under his breath, before he raises his voice towards the taller.

"Watch where you're going, ass—"

Before he could even finish, Renjun realized it was Na Jaemin. _The_ Na Jaemin. The Na Jaemin who had top grades every year, the Na Jaemin who was surrounded by girls every time, the Na Jaemin who annoys him just by breathing. He is clearly wearing a sweater with black, horizontal stripes in it. Oversized, even the sleeves covered half of his hand with rounded glasses to complete his feature and black jeans.

_Not gonna lie, it's kinda cute._

"I'm really sorry, Mr. Huang Renjun. I'll pay you back, if you don't mind?" Jaemin's voice sounded deep, which made Renjun shocked. A figure with a petite-looking, soft features yet a voice that doesn't match him? Oh, well — Renjun still hated this kid. Heck, he always had.

"Fuck off," Renjun hisses.

"If you insist," Jaemin replied, as he passed by Renjun.

Before Renjun could even turn back to see the caramel-haired once again, he could see thick, dark liquid tainting the floor in forms of a raindrop.

At first, he didn't care.

_It must've been someone else's. No way it's that nerd's. He looks healthy as ever, though._

__

* * *

Na Jaemin arrived at class a little bit too late. His entrance was welcomed by his best friend, Lee Jeno, — his seniors, Kim Jungwoo and Kim Doyoung — as well as his fangirls.

The Psychology Department was loud as ever, thanks to his fangirls. More and more people wanted to be in that department not because they were interested, but because Jaemin was there. Jaemin could only reply with his trademark, his shining smile; as bright as the sun.

Jeno realised how his lips look. . . redder. A bit of the usual, thick red liquid tainting the corner of his lips as soon as Jeno approached him.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. It's the usual thing," Jaemin could only display a fake, hurtful smile.

"Who did this to you?" the black-haired questioned, a worried look on his façade.

"No one," Jaemin pauses, before he could even continue. "I'm just sick."


	2. the flowers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this is the longest chapter i've written and truth to be told, i don't really write long chapters because i get mixed up with words, writerblocks halfway and also because i'm typing it on my phone sksjjzjsjsj
> 
> i hope you like it !! ♡
> 
> i'll try update twice a week if i can
> 
> (p/s: there was a lot of editing made!!!!)

* * *

Na Jaemin didn't knew how it started.

If it's because of the incident yesterday, Jaemin would observe Renjun as someone who has a terrible grudge whenever he's pissed or annoyed because of someone.

In the morning, Jaemin passed by the smaller and he purposely made the caramel-haired tripped by sticking out a foot. Luckily, Jaemin was able to catch himself and didn't became the school's hot topic.

 _Na Jaemin tripping over at the hallways_. What an embarrassing topic to gossip or even talk about. Although he knew, people would ask him if he's okay, or even surround him,— maybe attack Renjun as well — he is still not comfortable to become some of the students' laughing subject.

The second time was when he had his second class. He had to move in to the library to fetch some books the lecturer had prepared for the other students. As soon as Jaemin had a pile of books on hand, he was on his way to return to class — when he accidentally passed by a certain Huang Renjun and had his books fallen.

Again, Renjun and his hidden intentions. The smaller could only give a playful smirk as he kept walking; leaving Jaemin cursing under his breath as he picked up the pile of books.

The third time was when he was about to get ramyeon as lunch from the canteen. He was going to take some chopsticks before Renjun (and his NCT gang) came over just to spill his drink onto his white sweater.

The other students were talking about it behind their backs, which made Jaemin very uncomfortable.

_Is that Huang Renjun? What is he doing to Na Jaemin?_

_Oh my God. . . he's such a jerk! Jaemin didn't deserve that._

_I wish I can beat the hell out of that Huang Renjun. . ._

_What's going on between them?_

And, honestly, Jaemin himself doesn't know what's going on. What made Renjun so pissed at him.

Out of frustration, the caramel-haired waited for the leader of the NCT gang outside of the university grounds, right near the gates. He couldn't hold it in anymore. Jaemin's fourth semester will get ruined if he's suffering everyday just because of one, petite boy.

(Well, he suffered enough, actually.)

If coughing out ~~white lillies~~ isn't suffering enough, then it could be said that Jaemin had a breakdown. He has reached through his limits.

The taller waited and waited, until said leader of the gang finally appeared. He's alone, with a cigarette between his lips. Earrings dangling on his right ear, and his hair disheveled as usual. He's wearing ripped jeans paired with a long-sleeved shirt. (Which, made Jaemin questioning himself. The weather is quite hot, why would he wear those? But, who is he to make such comments? Look at Jaemin himself! He's wearing a sweater instead. Twice the heat.)

Jaemin gained his last bit of courage before facing him,— just to be welcomed by a disgusted look.

"What do you want?" Renjun asked.

"That's my question. What do _you_ want?" Jaemin fires; a little emphasis on the third word of the question.

There was a moment of silence, before Jaemin continues once again. "You've been bothering me since morning. You do know that I have classes on early mornings, right? I thought you took night classes or I don't know, skipping? My fourth semester is a disaster since [that] incident. I can pay you back whatever costs you that shirt or jacket of yours, just stop disturbing me. Why are you doing that to me?"

Renjun looks uninterested by Jaemin's babbling (or that's how he thought the caramel-haired was doing), before he finally talks back. "Look, do you want to know the reason behind all of that? Really? Well, let me tell you one thing if you're _that_ desperate."

Jaemin blinks. His eyebrows furrowed as he blows a question. "What is it?"

The smaller threw his cigarette to the grounds, stomping onto it as he gets close to Jaemin; closing the distance between them. If he is to be honest, he feels like spitting right onto Jaemin's face.

"I fucking hate you," Renjun fires; shooting a bullet right through Jaemin's heart. An unexpected, cruel yet brutal honesty from his mouth made Jaemin felt something.

"I fucking hate you since the first semester I met you. Now, see you tomorrow, nerd," was Renjun's final words to him for the day, before leaving Jaemin alone.

Jaemin hated the smell of cigarette.

Fuck, he even hated the words coming out of Mr. Huang Renjun.

It's so sharp. It's. . .painful. It's hurtful.

A few minutes later, Jaemin immediately rushes to the toilet and starts to paint the sink crimson red.

* * *

At first, he thought that he may've accidentally eaten flowers or had choke on them, since he was wandering at the garden during the first time he knew he had the disease.

Suddenly, it worsened when he met his ex, _~~Wong Yukhei~~_.

To add it up, it became more worse during their breakup that he was admitted to the hospital. Thankfully, Jeno was there for him. He was the only friend who knew about his suffering.

_"Are you sure you're going to be fine?" Jeno asked. "You could've just asked for a surgery. A removal of what's causing you to increase your chance of death."_

_"I'm fine," was all the answer Jaemin could give. A smile that perfectly describes someone with no worries, plastered onto his porcelain face. He was pale. Jeno was worried sick. His figure looked weak. Bones visible as eyebags starting to look like a mix of red and purple. Wrists. . . severely injured due to selfharm._

Jaemin remembered that he would always write words on the walls with his own blood. He snapped badly. The disease came back when he met Huang Renjun. He remembered vividly about how he knew the reason why and how he could have a small crush on him.

That's why, knowing Renjun hates him a lot, made him hate himself more. He suffered from unrequited love. He made himself feel this way.

Jaemin stared at the mirror.

"Fuck," he curses under his breath. "I fucking hate you."

Deep inside, he wished he could've just broke the fuck out of the mirror, which shows only his reflection.

A lily petal between his dry, chapped lips.


	3. the studies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my first time proofreading my own work and i'm not really satisfied at how it goes actually, since i do think there's so much lacking here omfg but i do accept critics and so on so please leave a comment and i'll try my best to improve my writing !! 💘
> 
> early reminder that all chapters aren't organized or even planned well, so i could only write when my mind has the idea sobs
> 
> early reminder of triggers such as suicidal thoughts and so on!! this has been re-written. you've been warned!

* * *

Exams were coming and Jaemin had to focus. His attention is owned by the thick, red book which has the word _' **PSYCHOLOGY AND WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT**_ _'_ printed. His pupils fixated on each sentences, each words printed finely with a 3.5 _Times New Roman_ font.

Jaemin isn't a fan of books that looks more of like an encyclopedia. He was more into novel-like books. It's easy to carry. It has a lot of pages, of course, but he doesn't need to bother groaning in pain as he sacrifices his hands to bring the large object.

Jaemin sets foot to the library. A quiet place, indeed. Almost not a single person would ever enter, except for exam weeks since this place is only crowded with books. Jaemin loved the atmosphere here. It's calming, the smell of fresh printed books and a cup of coffee to help him focus on his studies.

Every delicate touch of the book, every moment he had gently brush his fingers over the pages, every sip of his coffee he takes. It was pleasingly calming. The atmosphere fits in well, even.

Until then, his focus had been torn to pieces due to the sudden moans coming from one of the other ends of the library sections. He predicted that it must've been at the same row as his seat, knowing that he heard them clear enough.

_Geez, this is a library. Can't you guys find somewhere else other than the goddamn library to make out?_

His thoughts were messed up. An annoyed expression painted throughout his face as he frowns, hoping that it'll end soon. However, it didn't. Louder moans and sounds that is unpleasing for him to hear kept on coming.

Out of annoyance, Jaemin stood up from his seat slowly and quietly as he approached the source of the sound. Before he could get any nearer, he stopped right on his track; eyes widened as a familiar name could be heard.

"Renjun. . ."

_Renjun?_

Jaemin gulps; quickly running away from the unseen scene and out from the library, legs bringing him to what seems like the toilet.

_Fuck._

_How disgusting._

* * *

"So you're saying. . . _Huang Renjun_ had make out with a girl? At the library?" Jeno asked, seemingly curious yet confused of Jaemin's sudden statement.

Jaemin wasn't feeling well after knowing the fact that Renjun had someone else with him. Plus, a girl to begin with. He left the library, he went to the toilet, threw up and went straight home. He never went back to his [safe zone.]

The next day, he look completely exhausted. The corner of his eyes were red, but his eyebags were black with a mixture of purple and blue; almost as if he bruised himself. Lips, as usual, dry but it gotten paler. An oversized black hoodie, disheveled caramel brown hair, round glasses and ripped jeans. Not really his taste when it comes to fashion, actually.

"Wow, Jaemin. You went through a lot. I thought you've forgotten about him?" Jeno lifts a hand, intending to pat Jaemin on the back. He gave a slight glance of his best friend's condition, which has gotten worse than before.

"I just can't. It's difficult for me." Jaemin replied instantly. Each sentence he had ended, he gave a light sigh. It's as if he's tired of his life already. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, he could only throw up flowers.

And by flowers, _those are actual ones_. Lillies, freshly plucked from the garden, but tainted with thick red liquid.

"Well, guess what, Jaemin?" Jeno lifted his best friend's face, looking straight into his eyes. It did hurt him to see Jaemin's condition like this. "Let's get you to move on."

The latter's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Mm, . . . okay. How?"

"Let's go on a date."

Jaemin blinked rapidly at the sudden invitation. His mind exactly blanked out, like a white paper with nothing to taint on its surface. How was going on a date with Jeno able to make him move on?

The younger gulps nervously as he ruffles his caramel locks, before he finally sighed and mumbled a small, _yeah, sure_.

To Jaemin, his voice may be inaudible. He made sure his voice tone was small, barely to be heard. However, to Jeno, that small answer made a smile crawling its way to his visage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> side nomin !!  
> because i never planned my works and i don't even know how this story will end sksjjsjsjsjsjs


	4. the dates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for not updating !!  
> i'm actually signing up for an international writing shit but i still have no ideas, so i couldn't continue writing this as well because i was frustrated :((
> 
> an e ways,  
> i just recovered but i got sick again so i'm sorry if this fic is messy ksksksksksks 😔

* * *

Jaemin felt _content._ He's showered with platonic affections by his friend.

The moment Jeno appeared with his hair neatly styled, a denim shirt and also black trousers, Jaemin couldn't help but to think if he looks messy.

The younger pulled out an oversized sweater (and this time, it's black in color but with white stripes at the end of the sleeves.) with dark blue trousers. He had messy, disheveled hair with his circular-framed spectacles complimenting his look.

"I put a lot of thought in it, _atleast,_ " he muttered, and if words could be described using writing styles, he would've said the last word in bold.

"Don't worry, you look cute,"

_Cute._

It sends anonymous rhythms to Jaemin's heart. It beats like there's no tomorrow — it's producing music that makes Jaemin flushes red.

Jeno noticed it. He lets out a light chuckle as he took the younger's pinky finger, pressing it lightly before intertwining their fingers together. Jaemin could only bit his lower lip.

"First of all, why don't we let you dye your hair?" a sudden suggestion made the caramel-haired had his eyes widened in surprise.

" _Dye_ as in coloring my hair?" he lets out a questioned look. "Jeno, I like natural better. Plus, there's no way in hell any hair color suits me other than this and black,"

Jeno points out a hairdresser shop that was coincidentally nearby from where they are standing now, his lips curved into a smile. "Don't worry, Jaem. We'll get it done. Pink it is, then."

_Pink?!_

"Jeno, are you crazy?! There's no way in hell—" before he could even finish his sentence, the elder had pulled his hand forcefully; dragging the poor boy to enter the shop.

_Shit, he's literally getting more attention the moment he arrives at campus. And he hates that._

* * *

It took several hours for him to completely dye his hair _pink._ Jeno and the other workers from the hairdresser shop looks satisfied, — well, they even asked him to take pictures with him.

However, Jaemin didn't felt /that/ satisfied.

Imagine a crowd of students prying over him just to talk about his hair. His goddamn, now pink hair.

"C'mon, Jaem. We're here to have fun. It looks good on you. Plus, it matches with your outfit right now," his friend had spoken; breaking the minutes long silence between them.

"I'm not hearing another compliment again. Now, where should we go?" Jaemin threw out a question, only to be replied with a pout from his friend.

"You really have no self-confidence, do you?"

"I once had. Trust me."

And it's true.

The Na Jaemin everyone knows — including his friend, — was always energetic. A cheerful, bubbly human being who loves to give affection to everyone. Until then, no strings were attached and Jaemin freely flirts with everyone without any special feelings hidden beneath his affectionate personality.

Until Huang Renjun introduced himself to his world.

It really sucks to have a disease that sounds hilarious. Like, _really_? Coughing out flowers? Jaemin almost laughed at that thought but now he knows how hurt he is.

Especially yesterday's incident.

...

"Jaem?"

The soft voice calling out for him made Jaemin's senses came back to reality.

"I'm sorry, let's just go back," Jaemin insists. He hates himself for making today not as what he expected to be.

Sure, he wanted a date with Jeno. But, with a thought of Huang Renjun? He'll probably embarrass himself infront of others with a bunch of white petals flowing around everywhere, blood splattered on it as white lillies starts blooming on his mouth.

* * *

The next day, Jaemin didn't attend classes from morning until afternoon. His small circle of friends were quite worried, but they figured out maybe Jaemin needed a rest due to his excessive focus on studies.

Especially Jeno and Renjun.

_They figured out, maybe they should pay a visit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lit rally this au ;
> 
> boom era renjun x we go up era jaemin since he : soft


	5. xx.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeno and renjun decided to visit jaemin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, it's been awhile! you may notice the change in how i write. however, i realized this fic should've stayed as one-shot. idk how i ended it as chaptered..
> 
> tw ahead!! the next few chapters will include self-hatred, self-harm, vomiting, blood, you name it.

fuck.

fuck.

 _fuck_.

jaemin has been staying at the toilet for what seems like forever. his hand caressing his tummy as he sits on the floor of the bathroom, tilting his head slightly. his eyes - once bright, filled with love and happiness - now described as completely dull. it's an empty void, even one can already see him as miserable.

jaemin feels empty. he hasn't ate, he hasn't drank, he hasn't slept. a day felt like months, a week felt like years, a year felt like decades. his pink hair was a mess, disheveled and wet due to the droplets of sweat.

he felt like crying. he really did. his tears kept on begging him to escape, but jaemin chose not to. he didn't even knew how this happened, he didn't even knew how this started.

however, memories of the boy who caused him endless suffering vividly repeats on his mind. it's like a drug - euphoric, but he knows he's hallucinating. there's no way the boy of his dreams appreciates his existence.

 _i hate you_ , huang renjun had emphasized that.

* * *

" _let go of me!" a young boy shrieked, trying his best to defend himself. people around him calls him weak, useless. anything that makes others despise him. anything that makes others get annoyed by him._

_the young boy had fluffy hair, a pair of doe-like eyes, milky white skin. his name is na jaemin, and although he is wealthy, his parents treats him as if he's a disgrace._

_jaemin is nothing but a sweetheart, yet people despises him. why? why can't jaemin have happiness? the answer is simple: he believes he is cursed. a cursed child that god hates. a child that should never had been born._

_"he said to let go of him, so let him go!" another boy started to shout, landing a kick towards the bully. he sounds.. intimidating. yet also soft. his voice is angelic, but also devilish. how can someone even possess such characteristics?_

_jaemin lifted his head slowly, his eyes lit up at the sight of such pretty boy. he wanted to help him - since the bully was with its gang, but he can't. jaemin is weak. his savior isn't._

_"what do you think you're doing?!" one of the member of the gang shouted._

_"what do YOU think you're doing?! picking on weaklings?! that's low of you. i'll even call my mom who is a cops to capture you bullies!" the pretty boy threatened, revealing a phone (which, absolutely, is fake) to them._

_fortunately, they believed him as they immediately fled away - screaming in fear. said pretty boy chuckled as he muttered, "tch, bunch of idiots."_

_he then crouched down towards jaemin, staring at the brown-haired directly through the eyes._

_"are you okay?"_

_jaemin nodded. he felt butterflies on his stomach._

_"my name is huang renjun. nice to meet you!"_

_and that's when jaemin started his first love._

_"i . . . i am . . . na jaemin . . ."_

_that was their first encounter._

* * *

renjun felt uneasy. he knew he shouldn't, but he should. his playtoy isn't even attending his classes. his day was boring without jaemin around.

thus, he decided to visit jaemin's house (with the help of threatening some people who knew him well). it wasn't because of worry or anything, it's because he needs his playtoy and he's sure to teach him a lesson for ditching classes.

after a few walks, renjun spotted a sight of lee jeno, one of jaemin's best friends, standing in front of his door. he seems panicked, but renjun just shrugs it off.

he approached the tall lad, staring at him directly through his eyes as he smirks.

"what's a lost puppy doing here? wagging his tail, waiting for his owner?" renjun knew how much it pisses lee jeno off. it entertains him, seeing the sight of jaemin's group of friends being annoyed by his antics.

"i supposed someone here decided to check on his target and feel sorry about it? talk about pride." jeno chuckled, earning a pissed renjun in return.

renjun wanted to argue - he really did. but, jeno continuously pressing numbers on his phone made him uninterested to do so.

"what are you doing?" the brown-haired asked, raising his eyebrow.

"jaemin. he hasn't answered my calls." the latter responded.

"well, why don't you check inside or something? pretty sure he's in. . ."

renjun moved forward, turning the doorknob to open the door only to surprise himself (and of course, jeno) that the door was unlocked before he could even finish his sentence. they entered jaemin's house, with jeno whispering a small 'sorry' for intruding said pinkette's place and renjun looking around.

it was, indeed, felt like an actual home. it had a comfortable vibe around it. it almost felt as if it was jaemin's comfort zone - his way of coping whatever bothered him.

jeno kept on calling jaemin as renjun looked around for any signs of the pinkette.

something immediately piqued the brown-haired's interest as soon as he saw trails of blood coming from the bathroom. he was quite.. hesitant to open the door. however, he shrugs it off as he decides to twist the doorknob open.

_the sight wasn't even appealing. it welcomed renjun with a stench of blood, and a. . ._

"jeno!" renjun started screaming, backing away from the bathroom.

jeno quickly rushed up to the source of the voice, only to have his eyes widened at the sight of a terrified renjun and a pool of blood.

jaemin, lying on the bathtub, with a pool of blood. his lips were extremely white, the same color as his pale skin but with a mix of purplish blue. his hands carved with various slices as blood starts to gush out. his eyes had dry tears flowing out from it. between his parted, chapped lips was a white lily bloomed as blood started dripping.

an unconscious jaemin, in a pool of thick, red liquid.

"jaemin!"


End file.
